we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
