...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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