Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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