dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
