i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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