ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
