I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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