Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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