Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
