All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sober January is a disaster.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
