i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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