i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
