no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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