i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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