He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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