Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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