I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
