I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
