I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
