Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
