Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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