So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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