my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
barbara walters just said penis...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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