I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
