I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
