Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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