i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
