I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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