I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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