I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
