So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
