By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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