I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
