I will die if light touches me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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