either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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