My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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