Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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