We won't sleep together?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
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I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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