Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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