How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
