Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
