dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
