As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
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God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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