He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
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I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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