Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
