I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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