I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
