Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
