i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
