Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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