shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
