Your face is a jimmy john
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
