My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
