I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
