The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
