the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
