So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
